Radical Self Respect
Reclaiming Our Right to Prioritise Ourselves
Selfishness—it’s a word that has loomed over women for generations, laden with judgment and disapproval. For my mother and her sisters, it was practically a sin. Their lives were devoted to preparing flawless meals, responding to the endless demands of those around them, and maintaining homes as spotless as operating rooms - not to mention the business that my mother ran full time. They rarely paused to sit, or to think about their own needs, until everyone else’s comfort was assured—always at the expense of their own health and happiness. Decades later, the toll is clear. Their bodies are worn out, their spirits drained, and they’re left questioning where they fit in the lives they spent building for others. This isn’t just their story; it’s a societal pattern, repeated endlessly. From a young age, girls are moulded into “good girls” who share, comply, and prioritise others above themselves. This expectation runs deep, blurring the lines between care and self-sacrifice.
The Loaded Word: Selfish
"Selfish" wasn't always a dirty word. Its origins trace back to the early 17th century, stemming from the combination of "self" and the suffix "-ish," meaning "of, like, or pertaining to." Initially, "selfish" was used more neutrally to describe someone focused on their own interests, without the sharp moral judgment it carries today.
But over centuries, particularly for women, the term became a loaded critique. Being "selfish" was seen as unfeminine, a betrayal of the expected roles of nurturer, supporter, and fixer-in-chief. The result? Many women now flinch at the thought of putting themselves first, equating it with guilt or shame.
The shift to its current pejorative sense likely occurred alongside evolving societal norms that increasingly valued altruism and self-sacrifice, particularly in religious and cultural contexts. In patriarchal societies, women were especially conditioned to associate selflessness with virtue, further entrenching the negative framing of "selfishness" as a moral failing rather than a neutral descriptor of self-concern.
The Invisible Backpacks We Carry
If you’re a woman in your 40s or 50s, chances are you’re hauling an invisible backpack crammed with responsibilities that aren’t even yours. Emotional labour? That’s the ever-present burden of managing not just your own feelings but everyone else’s too—a phenomenon sociologist Dr. Arlie Hochschild describes as women’s default role in keeping the emotional wheels turning. Then there’s "mankeeping," as Dr. Gemma Hartley calls it—the mental load of tracking everything for your partner, from his misplaced keys to his forgotten appointments. Add the non-promotable tasks (NPTs) that fall disproportionately to women at work, the kids’ packed schedules, and a pet that demands to be fed and walked, and it’s no wonder your own needs feel like a crumpled to-do list at the bottom of your shopping bag. No one handed us this backpack; we were conditioned to pick it up, yet rarely encouraged to put it down.
The Burnout Epidemic: It’s Not You, It’s the System
It’s no wonder women are burning out at record rates. Deloitte’s latest research shows that over half of us are chronically stressed, and more women are quitting their jobs now than during the peak of the pandemic. This isn’t about being “not tough enough.” It’s because we’ve been taught to believe that saying no is selfish, and selfishness is something negative. But in reality, selfishness is necessary—it’s a vital part of preserving our well-being.
Reframing Selfishness
Reframing selfishness can be incredibly empowering. Philosophers like Ayn Rand have argued that selfishness, when seen as rational self-interest, is essential for personal and societal progress, challenging the typical view that it harms others.
Two of my favourite reinterpretations are Radical Self-Respect and Fierce Self-Preservation. These terms carry strength and shift the focus from guilt to the power of showing up for ourselves. They promote boundary-setting without the emotional baggage often tied to selfishness.
The Art of Healthy Selfishness
Being selfish doesn’t mean abandoning your family in a cabin in the woods to write poetry (unless that’s your thing—if it is, I’ll drive you there). It’s about carving out moments, habits, and boundaries that clearly say, “I matter too.”
What if selfishness wasn’t seen as a negative? What if, in reality, putting yourself first is the key to preserving your well-being and vitality, not just for yourself, but for everyone around you? This isn’t about reckless self-indulgence, but rather a radical act of self-respect.
Here are some practical, possibly rebellious, ways to start:
Create a "No" List: Write down the things you’re done saying yes to. Volunteering for the work Christmas party? Nope. Being your friend’s emotional dumping ground? Not this time. Honour that list like it’s a legal contract.
Guard Your Time: Protect your personal time the way a dog protects its favourite bone—it’s yours, and it’s worth a little growling if someone tries to take it. Whether it’s a 20-minute walk, a bubble bath, 8 hours of sleep or an uninterrupted coffee, block it out and don’t let anyone encroach.
Professional Boundary Bootcamp: At work, delegate tasks, push back on unrealistic deadlines, and leave the office on time. If Jacinda Ardern could run New Zealand and normalise taking mental health days, you can normalise a midday pause to eat something.
Take a Suzy day (see one of my earlier LinkedIn posts): Also known as a mental health day, you should take one - even if you feel fine. Skip work, cancel plans with friends or family, and do whatever recharges you. It’s not irresponsible.
Stop "Mankeeping": If your partner can manage a fantasy football team, he can manage his own calendar. Start sharing the mental load, as Gemma Hartley emphasises in her work. It’s fair, not selfish.
Unplug Without Guilt: Set boundaries with technology. No emails after dinner, no notifications during family time, and no scrolling through YouTube in bed.
Set a "Joy Budget": Whether it’s pilates class or a monthly theatre visit, spend time and money on something that brings you joy.
Practise Tiny Acts of Defiance: Order dessert just for you. Say no without explaining yourself. Walk away from conversations that drain your energy. These small rebellions add up to a big shift in mindset.
Ask for Help: Delegate chores, hire a cleaner, or lean on your support system. You’re not failing; you’re being smart.
Daily Non-Negotiables: Identify one thing that makes you feel alive—reading, stretching, dancing in the kitchen—and do it every day, even if it’s just for 5 minutes.
The Cost of Not Being Selfish
If you don’t make yourself a priority, no one else will. The corporate world won’t stop for your burnout, and your family may not notice your struggle until you’re already overwhelmed. You can keep pushing through until you’re exhausted, ill, or resentful, or you can take charge now and start preserving your energy and time. Don’t apologise for putting yourself first—your well-being is what fuels everything else.
A Personal Note
When I look at my mother and aunts, I see women who gave everything to others—only to face the consequences later. The exhaustion, the health issues, the quiet regret. Their lives serve as a powerful reminder: we can’t keep giving from an empty cup.
Radical Self-Respect is the way forward. Prioritising ourselves as the foundation of everything we do isn’t denying our love or care for others. It is honouring our needs, boundaries, and well-being, in order to show up for the people and causes we care about as a unique and fulfilled human being.
It’s the antidote to burnout and resentment—caring for ourselves the same way we've learned to care for others, without the endless sacrifice. It’s time to break that cycle and put ourselves first. And yes, without the guilt.
Appendix of References
The Burden of Emotional Labour
Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. University of California Press.
Hartley, G. (2018). Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward. HarperOne.
Burnout Epidemic Among Women
Deloitte Global. (2023). Women @ Work 2023: A Global Outlook. Deloitte Insights.
World Health Organization. (2019). Burn-out an “occupational phenomenon”: International Classification of Diseases. WHO.
The Origins and Evolving Definition of 'Selfish'
Oxford English Dictionary. (n.d.). Definition of Selfish. OED Online.
Rand, A. (1964). The Virtue of Selfishness: A New Concept of Egoism. New American Library.
Gendered Social Conditioning and Societal Expectations
Fine, C. (2010). Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference. W.W. Norton & Company.
Bem, S. L. (1993). The Lenses of Gender: Transforming the Debate on Sexual Inequality. Yale University Press.
Invisible Backpacks and Gender Roles
Hartley, G. (2017). Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up. Harper’s Bazaar.
O’Connell, B. (2022). The Mental Load of Women in Relationships. Psychology Today.
Burnout and Workplace Stress
Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Burnout: A Very Short Introduction. Oxford University Press.
Goh, J., Pfeffer, J., & Zenios, S. A. (2015). The Relationship Between Workplace Stressors and Mortality and Health Costs in the United States. Management Science, 62(2), 608–628.
Healthy Selfishness and Personal Well-being
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow Paperbacks.
The Cost of Neglecting Self-Care
Miller, J. B. (1986). Toward a New Psychology of Women. Beacon Press.
American Psychological Association. (2023). The Importance of Self-Care. APA.
Radical Self-Respect
Lorde, A. (1988). A Burst of Light: Essays. Ixia Press.
Audre Lorde famously wrote, "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare." Her work reframes self-care as a radical act, especially for marginalised groups, highlighting its necessity for survival and resilience.
Strategies for Self-Care and Boundary Setting
Markham, L. (2012). Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Perigee.
Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Free Press.
Jacinda Ardern and Mental Health Advocacy
New Zealand Government. (2019). Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern Discusses Mental Health Initiatives.
The Guardian. (2022). Jacinda Ardern Takes Mental Health Days to Normalize Well-being.